Elegies for Ashley [mixtape]
ALSO AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD ON [UNTITLED].
BEHIND THE SCENES SCOOP
RE-DUBBED TO CASSETTE TAPE AT LEAST TWICE AND AN INTERESTING EDITORIAL CHOICE, MAYBE: CHOOSING TO LET RAINDROPS + SUNSHOWERS PLAY ENTIRELY TO ITS OWN END AND TO LET THE HOLLOW START. NO CHANGES. NO CROSSFADE. NO EFFECTS. THIS IS BECAUSE OF MY DEVELOPED* DJ EXTRA SENSORY PERCEPTION ON THE LORE, TECHNICALS, AND VIBE OF MY MEDIUM. TO EXPOUND A LITTLE. BOTH MACHINA / THE MACHINES OF GOD AND MER DE NOMS SHARE ONE THING IN COMMON: EACH TRACK IS A UNIQUE JEWEL. KNOWING THIS INFLUENCED THE MIXING DECISION.
ABOUT "DEVELOPED*"
WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU I WALKED INTO A BAR, WAS MET WITH A GROUP OF SMILING FRIENDLY FACES, AND PROCEEDED TO DISCREETLY AND POLITELY DEPART TO ANOTHER, QUIETER PLACE? SO I COULD WRITE THIS? AND WORK ON THIS PARTICULAR MIX?
IT'S TRUE. IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE INTENTIONALLY DEVELOPED THESE SKILLS OVER THE YEARS. I HAVE CARVED OUT TIME. I AM THE REGIONAL GYM. I HAVE GOALS.
ELSEWHERE
IT HAD TO BE WRITTEN ELSEWHERE. FOR ASHLEY IS NOT THERE, IN THAT BAR. SHE IS ETERNALLY ELSEWHERE.
DO YOU REMEMBER BEING YOUNG?
ASHLEY WAS NOT AT THAT BAR JUST AS THAT MYTHICAL GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS ETERNALLY AT ANOTHER SCHOOL, TRAGICALLY OUT OF REACH. (I ONCE BRIEFLY DATED A GIRL OVER MYSPACE WHO LIVED A TOWN OVER BUT WE HAD NEVER MET IN REAL LIFE. AT LEAST I THINK THATS HOW IT HAPPENED. IT WAS 2004 OR SOMETHING.) ASHLEY IS THE FABRICATED BIO-HOLOGRAPH MY PUBESCENT ID HALLUCINATED FROM ITS WET DREAMS, 13 YEARS OLD AND CONFUSED. IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE I AM 37. I FELL IN LOVE WITH MISATO KATSURAGI (EVANGELION) WHEN I WAS 12. MOTOKO KUSANGI (CYBORG) WHEN I WAS 11. LOLA (BUNNY) WHEN I WAS 6. ARIEL (MERMAID) WHEN I WAS 2. I WORE OUT MY LITTLE MERMAID (1989) TAPE. I BELIEVE MY MOTHER HAD TO REPLACE IT AT LEAST ONCE. I STILL REMEMBER THE STICKER RESIDUE ON THE COVER: EXCREMENT FROM ONE OF THOSE BRIGHT ORANGE TAGS AT POOR PERSON GROCERY STORES (THE KIND I GREW UP GOING TO.) THE VHS RENTAL SPOT WAS IN THE NORTH-WEST CORNER, AFTER THE REGISTERS BUT BEFORE THE SLIDING GLASS DOORS BY THE FIREWOOD AND SALT. SLIDING GLASS DOORS IN THE MIDWEST ARE LIKE AIRLOCKS. IT HELPS CONSERVE HEAT. YOU DON'T SEE THAT OUT WEST, WHERE I AM NOW. THE REAL KICKER, THOUGH? NONE OF THOSE WOMEN WERE REAL, REALLY. BUT HOW COULD I FEEL SO STRONGLY FOR THEM? THEY WERE REAL IN MY MIND. I HAD LEGIONS OF IMAGINARY FRIENDS I COULD SUMMON AT WILL. I HAD A STUTTERING PROBLEM AND WENT OT SPEECH THERAPY FOR A COUPLE YEARS. IT WAS GREAT. I WAS IN THE PROGRAM FOR ACADEMICALLY TALENTED STUDENTS (OR "PATS") WHICH, A DECADE LATER, UNLOCKED THE ABILITY FOR ME TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL A SEMESTER EARLY...
I GREW UP WATCHING MY MOTHER WIELD A FLAMETHROWER
AUNT TRACEY TOOK ME TO THE CIRCUS WHEN I WAS JUST OLD ENOUGH TO WALK. IMMEDIATELY I DEVELOPED A NEW... ISSUE: NON-CONSENSUAL HIDE-AND-SEEK. I WOULD RUN AWAY AND HIDE FROM MY ADULTS WHILE WE VISITED PUBLIC SPACES FOR AS LONG AS I COULD. EVERY TIME AUNT TRACEY GOT CLOSE, I'D MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. I WATCHED IN PERVERSE PLEASURE AS SHE GRASPED HER HAIR, LIKELY HAVING A PANIC ATTACK. I WAS ALWAYS A ROGUE. INTO TRAPS. I HAD A BROWN LEATHER PURSE THAT MY FATHER HATED BUT MY MOTHER - WHOMST, CRUCIALLY - HAD CUSTODY AND ALLOWED. I FILLED MY PURSE WITH STRANGE QUARTZ CRYSTALS AND STRING AND TERMINATOR ACTION FIGURES AND LEGOS. I WOULD COMBINE THESE THINGS IN YET STRANGER WAYS AND SPIN THEM UP IN THE TREES OF THE PRAIRIES FOR MY PREY: MY MOTHER AND HER CO-STEWARDS. BY THE WAY, DO PLEASE LOOK UP WHAT PRAIRIE STEWARDS DO. IT IS VERY COOL. THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY A CASTE OF HEALING INFERNO-MONKS WHO GET TO DO CONTROLLED BURNS AND MIGRATE ENDANGERED SPECIES. YES, I REALLY DID I GROW UP WATCHING MY MOTHER SLING A FLAMETHROWER AROUND AND A ROCK A SMOKE-MASK. AS FOR MY TRAPS? THE MORE HUMBLE STEWARDS WOULD PLAY ALONG AND GET ALL TANGLED UP. I WOULD JUMP OUT FROM MY HIDING SPOT AND LAUGH LIKE A VILLAIN. CREATING MAD MONOLOGUES IN MY MIND I HAD NOT YET THE VERBAL FLUENCY TO ARTICULATE. MADNESS SUCH AS: "THEY EACH FELL FOR MY TRAPS. EACH IN THEIR OWN WAY..."
TAKING OVER THE WORLD
IN DAYCARE I THREW MY BLANKET AROUND MY SHOULDERS LIKE A CAPE AND HIT EACH TOY MUSICAL BUTTON IN TURN. BRIGHT PRIMARY AND SECONDARY COLORS AND A SEVENTH MURKY ONE. I WAS A MAD-GENIUS. I HAD MEMORIZED THE SEVEN CONTINENTS OF PLANET EARTH ALREADY, BY GEORGE! I WAS BARELY OUT OF DIAPERS! WITH EACH KEY I CLAIMED A CONTINENT AND WHISPERED ITS NAME. AFRICA. PLINK. OSCAR THE GROUCH POPS OUT. EUROPE. PLONK. BIG BIRD POPS OUT. AUSTRALIA. PLUNK. ELMO POPS OUT...
STILL I WHISPER FOR ASHLEY
I HAVE KNOWN SEVERAL ASHLEYS OVER MY LIFE AND ONE OF THEM WAS ME. THEY'RE ALL GREAT. THIS ONE IS FOR ALL OF THEM AND NONE OF THEM. FOR ASHLEY IS NOT THERE, IN THAT BAR, IN THAT SCHOOL, AT THAT LOCAL SHOW. SHE IS ETERNALLY ELSEWHERE. MAYBE SHE IS AT THE REGIONAL GYM*.
"I AM AT THE REGIONAL GYM*"
RGB SENT ME A VOICE MEMO. I MISHEARD HIS A CAPPELLA FREESTYLE OVER THE BUSY NOISE OF HIS SAN FRANCISCO STREET MERGING WITH THE DESERT COYOTES OF MY SANTA CLARITA. "I AM AT THE REGIONAL GYM." IT WAS THE MOST PROFOUND THING I EVER HEARD. NOW: MY A POWER PHRASE. A SHIELD SUMMONING SPELL. AN AFFIRMATION. AND IT IS NOW YOUR POWER PHRASE, TOO, SHOULD IT PLEASE YOU. (AND IN MOST DIRE OF CIRCUMSTANCES: "I AM A SAWN-OFF HUMAN AT THE REGIONAL GYM." I HAVE HAD TO ONLY USE THIS MANTRA ONCE AND I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO AGAIN.)
AND PERMANENTLY FILL THIS HOLLOW
RE-DUBBED TO CASSETTE TAPE AT LEAST TWICE AND AN INTERESTING EDITORIAL CHOICE, MAYBE: CHOOSING TO LET RAINDROPS + SUNSHOWERS PLAY ENTIRELY TO ITS OWN END AND TO LET THE HOLLOW START. NO CHANGES. NO CROSSFADE. NO EFFECTS. THIS IS BECAUSE OF MY DEVELOPED DJ EXTRA SENSORY PERCEPTION ON THE LORE, TECHNICALS, AND VIBE OF MY MEDIUM. SO NOW I SIT, LISTENING TO THE MIX. JIJI, MY FAMILIAR, PURRS ON MY LAP. (WEEKS LATER EDITING THESE WORDS: LITTLE WOULD I KNOW THIS WOULD BE OUR LAST MIX AND ONE OF THE LAST TIMES I EVER SAW HER.)
'Cause it's time to bring the fire down
Bridle all this indiscretion
Long enough to edify
And permanently fill this hollow
ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.
MIXTAPE LOGO
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